Seven.

See what happened before this.

Another week passed and I had barely spoken to Marian. I finally decided to call her and end things, to my surprise she wanted to end things as well because she like this other guy and didn't want to hurt me.

Trust me, she was doing me a favor.

Later that day I got a call from Brian and I was surprised as hell to hear from him. "What's up?" I asked as soon as I got on the phone.

"Not much, " He responded, "What happened to you the other night. You left me all alone with Shawnda and that other girl. What's her name?"

"Gaby", I say.

"Yea her," he says, "The only reason I went that night was because I wanted to see you."

I was shocked. Did he just say what I think he just said? "You did", I ask.

"Yea. Ever since last time I can't stop thinking about you"

My jaw dropped.

What was I going to do? I had to tell him about Luke, I just had to. "Well Brian", I said "I'm kinda dating someone"

"Marian, I know" he responds.

"No no not Marian. That's over. I'm dating someone else", I took a deep breath and said, "His name is Luke"

He just kind of laughed and said, "So I see your finally start to come out"

I shrug and say, "Yea I kinda am".

Six.

See what happened before this.

School started and everything changed almost at once. I saw Marian during my lunch break and she couldn't help but notice my distance.

"Are you going to that party this weekend?" she asked.

After a few moments of silence, I shrugged. "I don't know", I finally said. In fact I did not want to go. I wanted to be with Luke and I didn't know how long I could keep this charade up.

Marian was about to respond when Shawnda walked up to us hand and hand with none other than Brian. WTF?

"Guess what?" Shawnda says obviously not realizing that she was interrupting a semi-conversation.

"What?" I say, obviously annoyed. I looked quickly at Brian and he smiled. Did Marian notice that? God, I hope she didn't notice that.

I smile back and kind of glance at Marian.

"Well Brian is going to the party tonight." Shawnda says. Great, could this day getting any worst?

"That's nice, but why are you telling us?" I say, and Brian looks at me with shock.

"Well", Shawnda says, "I was thinking that maybe he would like Gaby" Gaby was Marian's bestfriend and this situation was becoming more and more complicated.

"How nice of you" I said and kind of shot a glance of "yea right" to Brian


The party started and I immediately wanted out of there, Brian was there, Marian was there and it seemed to me that everyonee knew that I was keeping a secret. After a while I called Luke, "Can you pick me up?" I asked.

"Sure", he says "Where are you at?"

I gave him directions and that was the first night that he and I spent together. At first it was wierd being held by him but after a few moments I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Five.

See what happened before this.

The night before AJ arrived in Denver, Luke and I finally met in person. He picked me up in this green BMW. It was the hottest car that I'd ever seen and I think for the most part it was because of who was driving. We sat in his car, and for the first time in my life I felt free. I felt as if I was completely able to be the person that I had hidden for so long. I remember first getting into his car and the sweet smell of Curve filled the air. That smell to this day takes me back to those moments that I spent with him, in his car talking for hours about nothing and everything. He has these passionate blue eyes, that capitvated me the moment that I saw him. The blond tips in his hair didn't seem to match him, but at the time I didn't care because I felt at that time, in that moment that this was truly love at first sight.

When AJ arrived, he almost instantly knew that the change was coming. I had told him before I'd left that I was going to be different once I arrived in Denver, and the his first day there it was very apprent. He didn't mention anything at first but I knew something was spinning in his mind. Marian was also coming back in a few days and I didn't know how I was going to handle that situation. I had planned another date with Luke on Friday, which happened to be the same day Marian was coming back into town. I had to lie to her and tell her that I was going to spend the evening with AJ and he and I were going to out, I honestly don't remember what I pulled out of my ass but I felt really guilty about lying to her. I knew that I would have to fess up but I wasn't quite sure when or how.

I think Shawnda was more excited about AJ being there than I was. As soon as I called her letting her know that AJ had arrived, she was instantly at our house. She wanted to hear about home, what things were going on and who was doing what. Maybe this was due to the fact that she was so in tune with everything back home and now like the rest of us, she had been disconnect. That was one of the scariest things about being in Denver, not knowing what life was happening back home. It was a paradox of sorts, because we took our lives to Denver and began a whole new chapter but things back home still continued the same as always.

School was also about to begin again on Monday and I really wasn't prepared. After last semester I pretty much had it with this school. It was as if we were all lied to and we brought to believe that we would get some sort of post high school education out here. This wasn't the case at all, the professors were a joke and the cirriculum they were teaching could not and should not have been taught in the manner in which it was. I was also in fear that I may have another class with Brian and I didn't even want to go there again. I felt so bad the way that him and I ended things, well I guess you could say how we left things during our last encounter.

It was October in Denver and the snow was about to start falling down, I can't wait.

Four.

(Click here to see what happened before)

I guess the next chapter picks up a couple of months later, in Ocotber. We had our first break and everyone left Denver except for me. I was a poor ass at the time, so I couldn't afford to go home. This left me with alot of time to discover the internet, and the various ways I could actually express myself without fear of being who I was. It was a very big double edged sword for me at the time, because I had started dating a girl during the last couple of months, but she was in Dallas at the time, and my online escapades had nothing really do with her. I mean when she and I started dating, I almost instantly knew that she was going to be the last female, that I would ever kiss, hell even date. I had to give it one more chance, even though I knew I was about to step into a completely different world.

Marian and I continously talked on the phone while she was gone, and if she only knew what I was doing on the other line would devasted her. It was ok though, I was used to keeping secrets from people. I had done it for years, and by now I had perfected the art, Or atleast I thought I did. I met several people online, some who wanted more than just chatting and others who wanted nothing to do with a young 19 year old guy who had no idea who he was. All of this changed once I met Luke. He lived up the street from me, and he and I chatted online for several days. I wanted to meet him, but like the others that I had talked to before, he was a little aphrensive about talking to someone who was so unsure of who they were. I didn't want to push the issue, so I just let him take his time, and he let me take mine.

I had finally moved out of the apartment with Jason and was in a new apartment with a wacko roomate whose name I have now forgotten. It was him and I for about a week, and then Cory showed up, He was cool and alot different fropm the previous roomates that I had. AJ would be here in a couple of days and I had no idea how he would take my current change in lifestyle. I really didn't care, he knew me before this and I hoped he wouldn't have a problem. But we'll see.

Three.

(Read here to see what happened before)

The first three days of classes pretty much flew by. I quickly realized during the first day of class that I had been had. This school was crap and I knew I wasn't going to get much of an education while I was up here. I also wondered if I was the only one who thought like this. Shawnda and I talked about it briefly but neither one of us ever got deep into the issue of how fucked we now were in Denver. Of course we didn't care, we were 18 and life was just begining.

Shawnda had decided that since MB was now out of the picture(funny how things can change in a week huh?) that she wanted to have a party. Not any ol' party but a big shebang! so that everyone we had just met could all get together and get to know each other(and we all know how alcohol can encourage bonding with people). So there we were on a friday spending what little money we did have on nothing but liquor and cigerettes(I still hadn't recieved my last paycheck from Burger King and my funds were desperately low).

I had made it a point earlier in the day to invite Brian to the party. I really wanted him to go and I knew that once he got to the party, that the deal was pretty much set and all I had to do was go through the motions.

The party started about 9ish and I swear people that I hadn't even met yet starting showing up and Shawnda was freaking out because of course we did not plan for a party this big(I did say shebang! right?), so we had to go get more beer and such and I was getting pretty annoyed because this was becoming more of a hassle than luxury. That all changed once I got back to the party, Jamie informed me that Brian was there and he was looking for me(the funny thing about all of this is that Jamie has no clue about me). I decided not to go looking for him but rather have him look for me.(cause im sneaky like that)

So I avoided Brian for pretty much the entire night but once the alcohol starting kicking in(I mean really kicking in), I got the courage to try and talk to him. Again it was that whole "i know that you know" type of thing. He's a very interesting guy and I couldn't help but find him attractive. He decided to inform me that he was leaving and asked if I needed a ride home, now in gay speak this meant "wanna come home with me?" So of course I needed a ride and decided to go home with him. I had to inform Shawnda and the others that I was leaving with Brian, that's right BRIAN, the guy over there and yep I think he's gay too. I have never figured out what they thought about us leaving together.

On the car ride to Brian's he informed me that he lived in Littleton, to which I responded with the fact that I wanted to see Littleton while in Denver because of Columbine happening the year before. So there I was now on my way to his house.

The scene that played out at his house was one to remember. Now you have to understand that neither one of us had admit or said anything to each other about the mutual attraction, we just both knew it was there. He played on his computer for a bit while I laid down because the effects of the alcohol were now in full force(i felt like such a dumbass), after awhile he came and laid in bed with me and we started talking, and of course you know what happened next.

The next day was when things got wierd, on the drove home not a word was said. We both just sat there as if we were guilty about what we had done the night before and were to ashamed to talk about it.

After he dropped me off I didn't talk to him for another 2 months.

Two.

(Read what Happened before)


The first day of orientation I met Brian. He was from Iowa or something like that. He was a rich little bitch who didn't have a problem spending daddy's money. I think I talked to him for well over an hour. It was one of those 'He knew that I knew that he knew that I knew' so we just went with it and continued talking. It was such a great sigh of relief knowing that there was someone else up there like me.

Jason on the other hand had gotten quite acquainted with our other 2 roomates(lucky for him they all shared the same extracuricular activities), I knew that this was going to be a problem and I had no idea what to do. AJ is coming, I kept telling myself. AJ and I had been bestfriends for nearly 10 years now, he would be the rock that Shawnda was becoming and even she wasn't very stable.

MB and Shawnda's problem continued from the moment our feet touched Denver, so MB decided that she would resolve the situation and just move into a new apartment with new people. She had decided and felt that she had to so matter of factly let me know that she didn't like her other new roomate(who was a navajo indian named Jackie) and with her and Shawnda not getting along, she could no longer stay at that apartment. Good for you, Good riddance, thanks for the ride and the headache. I couldn't feed her to the wolves just yet, I mean we were all she had unfortunately.

Jason and my roomates had a really interesting connection to Shawnda's roomate Jackie. They just like us had all gone to high school together. So as you can imagine with people in our situation, we quickly banded together because numbers were always better. Jackie also had her bestfriend up in Denver too, Amanda; a goddess in her own light.

So there we were the night after the first orientation drinking at Shaunda's cheering the absense of MB(we were little bitches), with our new found friends: my roomates(Colin and Jacob, Jason), Jackie, Amanda, and the three surfer California boys that we had met at orientation Joe, Adam and Chris. I have to admit those three surfer boys were cute, but I never had the balls to try something, I was scared. Classes started the next day, and I knew something good was going to come of it, Brian.

One.

The last memory of Fort Worth that I have before I left for Colorado was a group of my bestfriends throwing me a surprise party and then it all goes blank. I was on my way to Denver with 3 others, we were about to take an adventure of a lifetime and also get a higher education past what this small town of Lake Worth could provide us.

I was so niave then, looking back it all seems such a distance memory but it has all shaped me into the person I've become and will become.

Shawnda, Jason, Amber(MB), and I all took off for Denver in two cars. No parents, no real assurance about what the future held for us, and yet at the same time we didn't care. I had the unfortunate pleasure of driving those 18 hours with Amber(who I quickly dubbed the 'Mega Bitch'). Jason, Shawnda and I all went to the same high school which was why we chose to drive up to Denver together. MB had found us through one of the many lying recruiters that WestWorth had available. I really didn't care, because the way I saw it, that was someone else I could talk to for the drive(I tend to lose my patience with people during long car rides). I really had to test my patience with MB during the drive, she wanted to listen to country, she wanted to talk about things that I quickly found insignificant, and she was continously budding into my sex life "got a girlfriend?" if you only knew "how many times have you had sex?" men or women?. God that bitch drove me nuts, but at that time I didn't have many other people to count on. I already knew Shawnda and I were going to be unbreakable once we got to Denver, so I tolerated the MB as much as possible, and trust me it was one of the hardest things that I had to do.

We arrived in Denver July 18th, 2000 two days before school started and we were lost. Do you know how many freeways are up there? I couldn't tell you but the one I do remember was I-29, we were lost on it for 2 hours(Mostly due to MB stating that she knew 'this really cool place to eat'...ugh the bitch and her nerve). The funniest part of that first day was arriving at Shawnda's and MB's predecided living arrangement(lying WestWorth at it's best). Shawnda is a very...what's the word, big personality and person. She was just as annoyed with MB as I was, her only problem was that she wasn't able to hide her annoyance(which I would later use to my advantage).

Shawnda was in a rage, throwing MB's boxes around "Where is my shit?" "Oh no this white bitch did not stack her shit on mines", you can only imagine the words that came out of Shawnda's mouth and MB was equally insulting. Jason and I just sat on their new porch smoking cigerettes and laughing at how funny and quickly dangerous the situation was becoming. Should we do something? No they can handle it. She's gonna kill her. I'm looking forward to it.

Then the fighting quickly stopped, a 3rd roomate had arrived. Enter Jamie, a petite, freckled face, little girl who was equally as innocent as we were. She drove up from a small town in Texas(which I have forgotten) by herself. At this point, I had to ask myself, "what were our parents thinking. I can only imagine them saying "Throw them to the wolves, let those ungrateful bastards learn what life is really about!"

Jamie was a trooper though and I could tell from my first impression of her that she would not let herself get involved with any kind of drama of any kind. She just continued unpacking her boxes allowing the fighting and shouting to fade into the distance.

When Jason and I had enough of the fighting we informed Shawnda and MB that it was getting late and we wanted to go find our apartment and start unpacking ourselves. Jason and I were never close in high school, and if he knew about the secret I was hiding he wouldn't, couldn't accept it. So I knew that I couldn't tell him, ever. Yet, I had put myself into quite a situation, he was going to be my roomate until my bestfriend AJ came to Denver in October. I could last, it wouldn't be that hard to hide it, besides we were in Denver now. Different State, Different City. DIFFERENT RULES.