Let's talk about Denver

Tales of the City: Denver Colorado, July 2000-April 2001.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


See what happened before this.

I made it back home safely but quickly realized that since I had come out, the small town of Lake Worth wasn't the place for me. I decided to move down to Austin where my adventures continued, but I did get to see Luke a few more times.

The first was shortly after I had met Ralph. A boyfriend that was very controlling, manipulative and evil. He forbid me to see Luke, but I did. It was painful and therapeutic at the same time. I realized that after months apart I could finally let go of him and although I believed that he was the greatest love I'd ever had, that time apart had shown me loves that I had never know.

We continued a friendship over the years, a very strong friendship. He still has that part of my heart that no one can touch. He'll always be the boy who pulled me out of the closest, the one who I gave a fake name to, the person that showed me what love really meant(even if it doesn't come in the form we want it to).

Almost ten years to the date. He has just moved to Austin. He was right, we'd be in the same city again, it just took a little while. I'm in a loving relationship with a husband I care for deeply and I finally get my bestfriend back. Age has shown us many things and I think one of them is apprecation for the bond that we have. It's a great love story and I hope that I did it justice. Things as adults(as I like to call it) are different now, we are friends, true friends. The 10 years that have passed have proven that. For me now, our love for each other goes beyond being in a romantic relationship, there's almost a brotherly bond amongst now. We have gone through so much in the last 10 years, so much stuff apart from each other but the one true thing that stayed constant in both of our lives, was the bond we shared. It never faded but grew stronger over the years. He's my bestfriend, the first boy who gave me a rose, and he will always be one of the greatest people in my life. The thing is, the story doesn't end here.

As I'm finishing writing down what happened before, I've realized that what happened 10 years ago, was truly only the beginning. We have a whole life ahead of us. There are more adventures to come, more Tales to tell. Life is a magical thing. Just when you think you've closed one chapter, you realize that there are still a few more pages left that you haven't discovered yet.


February 2005-March 2011


See what happened before this

He had an away message up. I remember that. I remember thinking that if there was any reason for me to stay, than him being online would be a sign. But no he was away. I picked the phone up and called the airline, I needed a plane ticket, a one way plane ticket. I was leaving.

I'm leaving Denver.

Is what I put up once I made the decision. He wasn't online like I wanted him to be. No this was a sign for me to leave. At this point all of my friends had left, Shawnda had come back home, Ajay had left several months before and the MB and I were very estranged. This world that I was living in was not the Denver that I thought it would be. Things had gotten so twisted out of context. I knew that things couldn't be like this anymore for me. My path did not lead down this direction. I loved Luke but it wasn't enough to get me to stay. Plus I felt that I would never have him.

Something happened to him in the shower, some sort of epiphany. Something that I will never know, but I do know that he had a realization. He finally realized what I had been wanting an answer to. He realized that he did want me.

The fact was that it was too late. My mind was made up, my ticket was purchase and I was leaving in 2 weeks. He was a few minutes too late.

The next 2 weeks seemed like an eternity. Packing my life up again, heading back home to a place that I was trying to escape and here I was, trying to escape Denver. The snow drove me insane, the people drove me insane and the drama drove me really insane.

So I packed my life up once more and had most of it shipped back home. The day had finally come for me to leave, so there Luke, some friends and I were at the airport. It was like a scene from a movie. The time had come for me to say good bye to this life, a life that I have long since forgotten.

Before I got on the plane, I remember hugging him. Holding him, crying and wishing that things could be different. And I remember him telling me that one day, one day things would be different. One day we would be in each other's lives again. One day things would be different. One day, we'd be on the same path. One day I wouldn't get his instant message a few minutes too late. Although, I didn't believe that this was true, I believed in him. I held him close, for what I thought would be the last time and I said good bye. I said good bye to the person that I loved more than the world, and I took a leap. I came back home and started over.


See what happened before this.

"Santi, it's over", It was Luke, my heart dropped to the floor. FINALLY! I listened to him talk about the break up but in the back of my head I felt relief. A relief that Trevor my sole road block was finally out of the picture. We talked about it all the way to work. At this point we were now driving to work together. If I didn't know what a twisted relationship/friendship was then boy I do know.

I wanted to talk to him about us, about how I wanted to be with him. How I loved him very much, how I have never loved anyone this much. I was young then but for some reason I knew what love was. This feeling I had for him was strong, it was intense and it only got an ease when he was around. I don't know if it was become he became some kind of comfort blanket for me but everytime I was around him I felt safe. I always felt safe. I wanted him to know about the place in my heart that I had reserved for him, a place that no one would ever be able to touch for the years to come but I sat there quietly as he talked about Trevor and I listened.

Once, the intial shock for him began to fade and he realized that him and Trevor were over, we began to get really close. So close in fact that I decided to have a talk to him about us. About how I wanted to be with him. I to this day, don't remember what was said in the conversation but only that I got a point across of, you could always get to know someone before dating them and realize how much you really do love them.

The truth is, he wasn't and that neither was I. We were both young. Neither of us were ready for anything that could possibly happen. The pain was becoming so great for me. So great that i had to do something drastic about it and I did.


See what happened before this.

Things with Travis, like things with school were soon getting out of control. After our first date and me deciding not to go school, I decided that it would be a good idea just not to go anymore. I wasn't getting much of an education and everything that I was learning was coming from this new life that I was living.

Like I said, things with Travis were soon getting out control. Luke's friend Tony really liked Travis, yet here I was dating him. I really liked Luke but here he was dating Trevor. And there was Trevor making all of our lives a living hell. He knew how everyone felt and began to play on the insecurities that were surely in the back of everyone's mind.

In the short period that Travis and I dated he did a complete 360 on me and I knew that Trevor must be behind it. He had to be, he was my arch nemesis. Looking back I feel bad for my friends outside of this drama. They had to deal with it and listen to us talk about it. They had to work with us and Luke and I were turning out to be pretty good friends. The attraction was there, atleast for me but a common bond that would carry on many years later was beginning to form.

Travis and I quickly ended things and it did not end pretty. He was a pretty big asshole about it. So what did I do? I did what I had learned, I got on the internet and met another boy. Matt, was his name. The night he came over to a party we were having(cause we were always having parties), he had this smiley face dyed into the back of his. It was hideous. But I was insecure, I was lonely and I just wanted someone, no I wanted Luke but that wasn't happening so Matt would do for the night.

This pattern continued for a short time until, I got tired of living a life filled with chaos. Denver was turning into a place that I didn't to live in anymore. I was drinking and partying all the time, the man I loved was with someone else and he I was lonely. Something had to change for me, something had to change soon.

Monday, February 07, 2011


See what happened before this.

If sleeping with Brian during my first week in Denver wasn't awkward, then our first real date was really awkward. We went to see a movie at the downtown theater and held hands and I did everything that I had learned from being with Luke, about being affectionate with another guy. The thing was, I later realized that Brian wasn't about this kind of stuff, he just wanted to have sex. Either that or he was still jaded about how I had ignored him after our first night together.

Of course I went home with him that night, I didn't know any better. The sex was less than mediocre and our car ride home this time wasn't silent. We discussed about being friends and being there for each other and maybe this was somehow a gateway to a new friendship. In the years since we have talked every once in awhile on various networking sites, but I have since lost contact with him.

I had started working a new job when all of this was going on for a satellite company and if I could make this up I would but all of my friends worked there as well. Then shortly after that Luke got a job with me. Not only was my new boyfriend flashing his trashy new boyfriend around me but he was now working with me. Our lives were becoming interconnected and there was no reason for me not to accept it. So I became his friend.

That's what he introduced me to Travis. 19, ex-marine and very cocky. The first night I met him I thought that he didn't like me. He had such an attitude towards me. It also attracted me very much. We began to have late night chat sessions on AIM and soon there I was again at the same downtown theater on another date, doing what I had done the time before with Brian. Only this time it was different, Travis receprocated my actions. I actually felt something for him that night and even for a brief period I began to not think about Luke but he was always in the back of my mind.

After the movie Travis took me to his parent's downtown condo. Part of the reason that he was so cocky was that his parents were extremely rich and he was extremely spoiled. That night was amazing. We sat in his rooftop hot tub with snow falling around us and just talked, then kissed then talked some more.

The next day he sent me home in a cab, and I had decided not to go to school that day. A pattern was forming, which would quickly spiral me out of control and right back to the place I did not want to be. For the time being I was enjoying it, and I was enjoying the attention I was getting from Travis and how awkward it made Luke feel.


See what happened before this.

The next few weeks were pretty agonizing. I didn't know what to do or expect and then one night after some heaving drinking, I was talking to Shawnda while a party was going on around us and she looked at me and said, "How come with your straight friends your bi but when your gay friends are around your gay?"

Before that question came up, Luke and I had decided to become friends. It was something that he felt I needed at this time, and he wanted me in his life but felt that he couldn't be there for me as my boyfriend but better yet as a friend. I believed him, and shortly after that discussion he introduced me to his new boyfriend, Trevor. The devil, satan, evil reborn. It wasn't that I hated him because he was now dating my ex boyfriend but because he was pure evil. I hated him because Luke couldn't see how evil he was, or chose to ignore it. Luke also introduced me to Vytoria Mkyels, my friend drag queen friend. She was fun, and a very hot mess. I loved her. She talked to me like I was her child, calling me names like baby and sweetie, and darling. It was all so very new for me.

So after Shawnda posed the question to me, my response was "I don't know. I just don't know"

She looked at me as if I knew the answer and finally just asked me, "So are you gay?"

"Yes, I think I am", I responded. There it was the weight I had been carrying for years finally coming out. I may have been drunk, but that moment has always stuck with me.

The next I woke up, half hung over and half relieved that I had finally told another person about my true sexuality and my coming out process started. I immediately called my father and told him. His response was that he knew, he's always known because I was nothing like my brothers. Well that was alot easier than I thought. Then he told me that he would love me no matter what and he didn't care if I was gay, he didn't understand it but he didn't care. My mother was another story, she didn't want me to tell anyone else about my sexuality. You see I had an older sister who was a lesbian, and was very close to an aunt who was also a lesbian shortly before I had moved to Denver, had passed away from a disease that would later come back and affect me.

I remember calling Luke with my new revelation and he was excited for me but that didn't change the fact that he didn't want to be with me. He wanted to be with Trevor, I felt heartbroken again. How could he do this to me? How could he not love me for being the person, I thought he wanted me to be.

I hung the phone up an called Brian.

Sunday, February 06, 2011


See what happened before this.
I went home over Christmas break and spoke to Luke almost everyday. It was wierd being back in my home town. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore. My heart was in Denver, Luke was in Denver and I so desperately wanted to get back there. Also, my true life was in Denver. I made AJ and Shawnda swear that they wouldn't tell anyone in Lake Worth about what was going on with me in Denver. I wanted to do that in my own time.

On my last night in Lake Worth, I called Luke again. He didn't answer and I got a weird feeling about it all. Later, that night when I was asleep he called and left me a voice. "We need to talk' the voice mail said.

The next morning, when I got up I heard the message and immediately called him. He didn't answer and I got on the plane back to Denver, not knowing what to expect when I arrived.

I got back to my apartment and called him a few more times, and still no answer. This continued for about 3 days until he messaged me on AOL. 'Can I call you?' he said and then he did.

I don't know how long we talked or what we talked about other than he broke up with me because I was bisexual and he feared that I would leave him like I left Marian for someone else. No matter what I said, I couldn't convince him otherwise. I hung the phone up crying and in ruins.

I didn't know how I messed this up. I was finally being myself and was being punished for it. Or so I thought. I felt betrayed, I felt angry and almost instantly I knew what to do. What had to be done in order for me to get him back. Now it was a matter of getting the courage to do it.


See what happened before this.

After the conversation with Brian I didn't really come any further out of the closet. I began to tell those close to me that I was bisexual. I believed that I still could be with women and didn't have to hide the secret of enjoying being with a man.

Once, I had my bisexual revolution I felt it was time for everyone to meet Luke. I remember that night clearly, we were having a party at our apartment(but really when weren't having a party at our apartment?)and I told everyone that someone I was dating was going to be joining us at the party. I didn't say he, I said someone.

Shawnda, AJ, Cory, and our new friend Wendel were all there when Luke walked in the door. Shawnda hit my arm and screamed, "Why didn't you tell me?" and I just shrugged getting up from my chair and hugging Luke as he walked into the door. I should have warned him but I didn't, he walked in and got blindsided. Something that would come back later to haunt me, yet at that moment I didn't realize it.

We all had a really good time that night and even after some liquid courage let Marian know that Luke and I were dating. She seemed happy and I honestly felt that she was happy for me.

That night Luke spent the night with me. It was amazing, I didn't have to hide anything anymore but the truth, the truth that I wasn't bisexual. That was something I had a hard time letting go of.

Thursday, May 04, 2006


See what happened before this.

Another week passed and I had barely spoken to Marian. I finally decided to call her and end things, to my surprise she wanted to end things as well because she like this other guy and didn't want to hurt me.

Trust me, she was doing me a favor.

Later that day I got a call from Brian and I was surprised as hell to hear from him. "What's up?" I asked as soon as I got on the phone.

"Not much, " He responded, "What happened to you the other night. You left me all alone with Shawnda and that other girl. What's her name?"

"Gaby", I say.

"Yea her," he says, "The only reason I went that night was because I wanted to see you."

I was shocked. Did he just say what I think he just said? "You did", I ask.

"Yea. Ever since last time I can't stop thinking about you"

My jaw dropped.

What was I going to do? I had to tell him about Luke, I just had to. "Well Brian", I said "I'm kinda dating someone"

"Marian, I know" he responds.

"No no not Marian. That's over. I'm dating someone else", I took a deep breath and said, "His name is Luke"

He just kind of laughed and said, "So I see your finally start to come out"

I shrug and say, "Yea I kinda am".


See what happened before this.

School started and everything changed almost at once. I saw Marian during my lunch break and she couldn't help but notice my distance.

"Are you going to that party this weekend?" she asked.

After a few moments of silence, I shrugged. "I don't know", I finally said. In fact I did not want to go. I wanted to be with Luke and I didn't know how long I could keep this charade up.

Marian was about to respond when Shawnda walked up to us hand and hand with none other than Brian. WTF?

"Guess what?" Shawnda says obviously not realizing that she was interrupting a semi-conversation.

"What?" I say, obviously annoyed. I looked quickly at Brian and he smiled. Did Marian notice that? God, I hope she didn't notice that.

I smile back and kind of glance at Marian.

"Well Brian is going to the party tonight." Shawnda says. Great, could this day getting any worst?

"That's nice, but why are you telling us?" I say, and Brian looks at me with shock.

"Well", Shawnda says, "I was thinking that maybe he would like Gaby" Gaby was Marian's bestfriend and this situation was becoming more and more complicated.

"How nice of you" I said and kind of shot a glance of "yea right" to Brian

The party started and I immediately wanted out of there, Brian was there, Marian was there and it seemed to me that everyonee knew that I was keeping a secret. After a while I called Luke, "Can you pick me up?" I asked.

"Sure", he says "Where are you at?"

I gave him directions and that was the first night that he and I spent together. At first it was wierd being held by him but after a few moments I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


See what happened before this.

The night before AJ arrived in Denver, Luke and I finally met in person. He picked me up in this green BMW. It was the hottest car that I'd ever seen and I think for the most part it was because of who was driving. We sat in his car, and for the first time in my life I felt free. I felt as if I was completely able to be the person that I had hidden for so long. I remember first getting into his car and the sweet smell of Curve filled the air. That smell to this day takes me back to those moments that I spent with him, in his car talking for hours about nothing and everything. He has these passionate blue eyes, that capitvated me the moment that I saw him. The blond tips in his hair didn't seem to match him, but at the time I didn't care because I felt at that time, in that moment that this was truly love at first sight.

When AJ arrived, he almost instantly knew that the change was coming. I had told him before I'd left that I was going to be different once I arrived in Denver, and the his first day there it was very apprent. He didn't mention anything at first but I knew something was spinning in his mind. Marian was also coming back in a few days and I didn't know how I was going to handle that situation. I had planned another date with Luke on Friday, which happened to be the same day Marian was coming back into town. I had to lie to her and tell her that I was going to spend the evening with AJ and he and I were going to out, I honestly don't remember what I pulled out of my ass but I felt really guilty about lying to her. I knew that I would have to fess up but I wasn't quite sure when or how.

I think Shawnda was more excited about AJ being there than I was. As soon as I called her letting her know that AJ had arrived, she was instantly at our house. She wanted to hear about home, what things were going on and who was doing what. Maybe this was due to the fact that she was so in tune with everything back home and now like the rest of us, she had been disconnect. That was one of the scariest things about being in Denver, not knowing what life was happening back home. It was a paradox of sorts, because we took our lives to Denver and began a whole new chapter but things back home still continued the same as always.

School was also about to begin again on Monday and I really wasn't prepared. After last semester I pretty much had it with this school. It was as if we were all lied to and we brought to believe that we would get some sort of post high school education out here. This wasn't the case at all, the professors were a joke and the cirriculum they were teaching could not and should not have been taught in the manner in which it was. I was also in fear that I may have another class with Brian and I didn't even want to go there again. I felt so bad the way that him and I ended things, well I guess you could say how we left things during our last encounter.

It was October in Denver and the snow was about to start falling down, I can't wait.

Saturday, March 05, 2005


(Click here to see what happened before)

I guess the next chapter picks up a couple of months later, in Ocotber. We had our first break and everyone left Denver except for me. I was a poor ass at the time, so I couldn't afford to go home. This left me with alot of time to discover the internet, and the various ways I could actually express myself without fear of being who I was. It was a very big double edged sword for me at the time, because I had started dating a girl during the last couple of months, but she was in Dallas at the time, and my online escapades had nothing really do with her. I mean when she and I started dating, I almost instantly knew that she was going to be the last female, that I would ever kiss, hell even date. I had to give it one more chance, even though I knew I was about to step into a completely different world.

Marian and I continously talked on the phone while she was gone, and if she only knew what I was doing on the other line would devasted her. It was ok though, I was used to keeping secrets from people. I had done it for years, and by now I had perfected the art, Or atleast I thought I did. I met several people online, some who wanted more than just chatting and others who wanted nothing to do with a young 19 year old guy who had no idea who he was. All of this changed once I met Luke. He lived up the street from me, and he and I chatted online for several days. I wanted to meet him, but like the others that I had talked to before, he was a little aphrensive about talking to someone who was so unsure of who they were. I didn't want to push the issue, so I just let him take his time, and he let me take mine.

I had finally moved out of the apartment with Jason and was in a new apartment with a wacko roomate whose name I have now forgotten. It was him and I for about a week, and then Cory showed up, He was cool and alot different fropm the previous roomates that I had. AJ would be here in a couple of days and I had no idea how he would take my current change in lifestyle. I really didn't care, he knew me before this and I hoped he wouldn't have a problem. But we'll see.

Saturday, February 19, 2005


(Read here to see what happened before)

The first three days of classes pretty much flew by. I quickly realized during the first day of class that I had been had. This school was crap and I knew I wasn't going to get much of an education while I was up here. I also wondered if I was the only one who thought like this. Shawnda and I talked about it briefly but neither one of us ever got deep into the issue of how fucked we now were in Denver. Of course we didn't care, we were 18 and life was just begining.

Shawnda had decided that since MB was now out of the picture(funny how things can change in a week huh?) that she wanted to have a party. Not any ol' party but a big shebang! so that everyone we had just met could all get together and get to know each other(and we all know how alcohol can encourage bonding with people). So there we were on a friday spending what little money we did have on nothing but liquor and cigerettes(I still hadn't recieved my last paycheck from Burger King and my funds were desperately low).

I had made it a point earlier in the day to invite Brian to the party. I really wanted him to go and I knew that once he got to the party, that the deal was pretty much set and all I had to do was go through the motions.

The party started about 9ish and I swear people that I hadn't even met yet starting showing up and Shawnda was freaking out because of course we did not plan for a party this big(I did say shebang! right?), so we had to go get more beer and such and I was getting pretty annoyed because this was becoming more of a hassle than luxury. That all changed once I got back to the party, Jamie informed me that Brian was there and he was looking for me(the funny thing about all of this is that Jamie has no clue about me). I decided not to go looking for him but rather have him look for me.(cause im sneaky like that)

So I avoided Brian for pretty much the entire night but once the alcohol starting kicking in(I mean really kicking in), I got the courage to try and talk to him. Again it was that whole "i know that you know" type of thing. He's a very interesting guy and I couldn't help but find him attractive. He decided to inform me that he was leaving and asked if I needed a ride home, now in gay speak this meant "wanna come home with me?" So of course I needed a ride and decided to go home with him. I had to inform Shawnda and the others that I was leaving with Brian, that's right BRIAN, the guy over there and yep I think he's gay too. I have never figured out what they thought about us leaving together.

On the car ride to Brian's he informed me that he lived in Littleton, to which I responded with the fact that I wanted to see Littleton while in Denver because of Columbine happening the year before. So there I was now on my way to his house.

The scene that played out at his house was one to remember. Now you have to understand that neither one of us had admit or said anything to each other about the mutual attraction, we just both knew it was there. He played on his computer for a bit while I laid down because the effects of the alcohol were now in full force(i felt like such a dumbass), after awhile he came and laid in bed with me and we started talking, and of course you know what happened next.

The next day was when things got wierd, on the drove home not a word was said. We both just sat there as if we were guilty about what we had done the night before and were to ashamed to talk about it.

After he dropped me off I didn't talk to him for another 2 months.