Eleven.

See what happened before this.

If sleeping with Brian during my first week in Denver wasn't awkward, then our first real date was really awkward. We went to see a movie at the downtown theater and held hands and I did everything that I had learned from being with Luke, about being affectionate with another guy. The thing was, I later realized that Brian wasn't about this kind of stuff, he just wanted to have sex. Either that or he was still jaded about how I had ignored him after our first night together.

Of course I went home with him that night, I didn't know any better. The sex was less than mediocre and our car ride home this time wasn't silent. We discussed about being friends and being there for each other and maybe this was somehow a gateway to a new friendship. In the years since we have talked every once in awhile on various networking sites, but I have since lost contact with him.

I had started working a new job when all of this was going on for a satellite company and if I could make this up I would but all of my friends worked there as well. Then shortly after that Luke got a job with me. Not only was my new boyfriend flashing his trashy new boyfriend around me but he was now working with me. Our lives were becoming interconnected and there was no reason for me not to accept it. So I became his friend.

That's what he introduced me to Travis. 19, ex-marine and very cocky. The first night I met him I thought that he didn't like me. He had such an attitude towards me. It also attracted me very much. We began to have late night chat sessions on AIM and soon there I was again at the same downtown theater on another date, doing what I had done the time before with Brian. Only this time it was different, Travis receprocated my actions. I actually felt something for him that night and even for a brief period I began to not think about Luke but he was always in the back of my mind.

After the movie Travis took me to his parent's downtown condo. Part of the reason that he was so cocky was that his parents were extremely rich and he was extremely spoiled. That night was amazing. We sat in his rooftop hot tub with snow falling around us and just talked, then kissed then talked some more.

The next day he sent me home in a cab, and I had decided not to go to school that day. A pattern was forming, which would quickly spiral me out of control and right back to the place I did not want to be. For the time being I was enjoying it, and I was enjoying the attention I was getting from Travis and how awkward it made Luke feel.

Ten.

See what happened before this.

The next few weeks were pretty agonizing. I didn't know what to do or expect and then one night after some heaving drinking, I was talking to Shawnda while a party was going on around us and she looked at me and said, "How come with your straight friends your bi but when your gay friends are around your gay?"

Before that question came up, Luke and I had decided to become friends. It was something that he felt I needed at this time, and he wanted me in his life but felt that he couldn't be there for me as my boyfriend but better yet as a friend. I believed him, and shortly after that discussion he introduced me to his new boyfriend, Trevor. The devil, satan, evil reborn. It wasn't that I hated him because he was now dating my ex boyfriend but because he was pure evil. I hated him because Luke couldn't see how evil he was, or chose to ignore it. Luke also introduced me to Vytoria Mkyels, my friend drag queen friend. She was fun, and a very hot mess. I loved her. She talked to me like I was her child, calling me names like baby and sweetie, and darling. It was all so very new for me.

So after Shawnda posed the question to me, my response was "I don't know. I just don't know"

She looked at me as if I knew the answer and finally just asked me, "So are you gay?"

"Yes, I think I am", I responded. There it was the weight I had been carrying for years finally coming out. I may have been drunk, but that moment has always stuck with me.

The next I woke up, half hung over and half relieved that I had finally told another person about my true sexuality and my coming out process started. I immediately called my father and told him. His response was that he knew, he's always known because I was nothing like my brothers. Well that was alot easier than I thought. Then he told me that he would love me no matter what and he didn't care if I was gay, he didn't understand it but he didn't care. My mother was another story, she didn't want me to tell anyone else about my sexuality. You see I had an older sister who was a lesbian, and was very close to an aunt who was also a lesbian shortly before I had moved to Denver, had passed away from a disease that would later come back and affect me.

I remember calling Luke with my new revelation and he was excited for me but that didn't change the fact that he didn't want to be with me. He wanted to be with Trevor, I felt heartbroken again. How could he do this to me? How could he not love me for being the person, I thought he wanted me to be.

I hung the phone up an called Brian.

Nine

See what happened before this.

'

I went home over Christmas break and spoke to Luke almost everyday. It was wierd being back in my home town. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore. My heart was in Denver, Luke was in Denver and I so desperately wanted to get back there. Also, my true life was in Denver. I made AJ and Shawnda swear that they wouldn't tell anyone in Lake Worth about what was going on with me in Denver. I wanted to do that in my own time.

On my last night in Lake Worth, I called Luke again. He didn't answer and I got a weird feeling about it all. Later, that night when I was asleep he called and left me a voice. "We need to talk' the voice mail said.

The next morning, when I got up I heard the message and immediately called him. He didn't answer and I got on the plane back to Denver, not knowing what to expect when I arrived.

I got back to my apartment and called him a few more times, and still no answer. This continued for about 3 days until he messaged me on AOL. 'Can I call you?' he said and then he did.

I don't know how long we talked or what we talked about other than he broke up with me because I was bisexual and he feared that I would leave him like I left Marian for someone else. No matter what I said, I couldn't convince him otherwise. I hung the phone up crying and in ruins.

I didn't know how I messed this up. I was finally being myself and was being punished for it. Or so I thought. I felt betrayed, I felt angry and almost instantly I knew what to do. What had to be done in order for me to get him back. Now it was a matter of getting the courage to do it.

Eight.

See what happened before this.

After the conversation with Brian I didn't really come any further out of the closet. I began to tell those close to me that I was bisexual. I believed that I still could be with women and didn't have to hide the secret of enjoying being with a man.

Once, I had my bisexual revolution I felt it was time for everyone to meet Luke. I remember that night clearly, we were having a party at our apartment(but really when weren't having a party at our apartment?)and I told everyone that someone I was dating was going to be joining us at the party. I didn't say he, I said someone.

Shawnda, AJ, Cory, and our new friend Wendel were all there when Luke walked in the door. Shawnda hit my arm and screamed, "Why didn't you tell me?" and I just shrugged getting up from my chair and hugging Luke as he walked into the door. I should have warned him but I didn't, he walked in and got blindsided. Something that would come back later to haunt me, yet at that moment I didn't realize it.

We all had a really good time that night and even after some liquid courage let Marian know that Luke and I were dating. She seemed happy and I honestly felt that she was happy for me.

That night Luke spent the night with me. It was amazing, I didn't have to hide anything anymore but the truth, the truth that I wasn't bisexual. That was something I had a hard time letting go of.